A Silent Eulogy

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 17:49:46 GMT

I think we just need to realize the love is dead and has been dead; lets move on.

random

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 18:14:11 GMT

Running out of subject titles. Oh Well. Robert's birthday is tomorrow and Katherine's birthday is on friday. I got her a kick assssss shirt from offline. It's baby blue and it says "i want to kick ass so bad" and then it has a pocket knife. Hopefully she wont read this. Anywho... I'm going home this weekend but i wont be there for long. My parents better give me my damn new phone... not having a phone is getting fucking rediculous and i think cathy is getting annoyed when i use her phone. anywho, i'm going to bed. LOOOOOOOOOVE me!

"i smell sex and CANDY!"

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 05:13:11 GMT

Gah... i confronted him, he said no but he still wouldnt tell me what him and quinn were going to do that night. Anways, i'm over it now unless i actually find proof. GAH i'm soooo hungry i want to eat the world. So i've got my college selection to 5 colleges... Maryland Institute College of Art, Rhode Islande College of Design, Savannah College of Art and Design, Ringling School of Design, and Winthrop. Actually i might do one more Tyler school of art in some University in Philly. I like doing college stuff, it kind of gives me a sense of control over my life.

hmm, work done before 1 am

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 03:53:25 GMT

I just got done with my 3rd self-portraits. We do that a lot this year. I've made 3 good/big portrait drawings and 3 portrait paintings. I feel so vien and my ovary itches. I think i'm going to bed early today (knock on wood). I miss talking to robert and seeing him. I think he's doing coke, i'm going to dump him if he is. Actually i think I'm going to confront him the next time I talk to him. GAH. night

so... being pregnant with lukeimia is bad... right?

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 04:21:56 GMT

I've been eatin' a lot lately. I have discovered that food gives me comfort. Oh and that my hair is falling out. I am lonely. I think that I crave attention and because i'm not getting it... i have turned to food. *sigh* i want to go to sleep but i need to study and do some other shit. I really REALLY want some korean food, i can smell it now in my mind. I was going to call my house at 11 to tell my mom to send me some. Can you send rice and soup through the mail? Dizamn. Katherine fergie a great friend. It seems that we've been "bonding" a lot lately. haha... gots to get away from the suite!!! haha just kidding. Anyway we're going to a greenville high school football game this friday and i have ACT's on saturday. Robert's birthday is net wednesday but we're celebrating it october 2nd when i come home. I already bought him 3 playstation games (madden 2004, grand turismo 3, and FFX) but i "secretly" bought him this really kick ass bob marley shirt. All we needs now is a cake and 20 candles!!! wooohooo! God. I'm so lonely.

erg

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 00:38:41 GMT

oh yes, school has gotten old real quick. I'm tired, hungry, and just don't really give a fuck. There's too much drama. God, I forgot how much drama is here and how draining it is. I took my Calculus test today... hopefully a C or up. I have an Art History test tomorrow and a Spanish quiz on Friday. Plus i had AP Lit seminar today 4:30-6 and Thursday I have Humanities from that time. Geeze. Atleast I got all my studio out of the way earlier. My ring in metals is coming out alright but i havent even started on my landscape painting. *sigh* I'm in one of those moods... where i don't care but then I do and I just need to take a break or something. so, my plan is to take a nap. NIGHT

wooohaaaaa

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 03:19:23 GMT

school... is school and i'm coming home this friday... very excited. I'm such a horn dog. XD i need some lovin'. Um.. some updates: made a 78 on spanish quiz, i think i aced my calculus quiz, art history is fun, thompson is cool, think my painting teacher hates me, making a purty ring in metals... hopefully i'll be done tomorrow, and DUN DUNANA!!! I'm officially hot sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think i have a head cold.... sniffle

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 21:42:21 GMT

i just came back from my summer reading group meeting. gilliam was the discussion dude and he "put me on the spot." some people just talk to much. gilliam is great. woot woot. i think i'm hungry... i want to eat damnit. anywho i feel very weird today. i drank coffee this morning and i was all hyped up but now my body is just really tired and kind of shaky. scurry.

cammy is the whore of the Governor's school...

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 15:25:57 GMT

lol jk, she just said that. well i'm back again... with my room to myself once again. i miss erin. it's only the 1st day of school and i'm already procrastinating. i have till wednesday to read my summer reading book (150 pages!!!). i can do it. i've been hanging out with my suites cathy and cammy; i love them a lot. I miss robert... and my friends.. emily, meisha... mr. t. for anyone who knows. >.< well i gots art history now. woot. ps our painting teacher is really hott!!! woot

3 more days... dun dun dun

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 23:11:23 GMT

i'm going to miss everyone... but i think it's time to go back to school. learn something. make some art. YUM YUM

and then today...

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 00:55:34 GMT

as if nothing happened but i know and i wont let it go.

until it kills me?

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 05:23:27 GMT

If anyone reads this entry... i really dont want a comment. I think with all my heart and my body and my mind that i've lost my first love. I have no idea who he is anymore. All i can see right now, me sitting here crying again, is a cold hearted boy that won't stop until it's physically impossible to hurt me anymore. I came very close today... closer than any other times and it scares me. I know what I should do and how I don't deserve it, and i can't keep hurting myself like this. Love is such a stupid figment of my imagination. Someone can tell you that they love you a million times but if they themselves do not know what it means... then it means nothing. How many times do i have to hear it? The sentence that spits out of your mouth just because there's an akward pause or we have nothing better to say to each other. I don't know what love is or means because this can't be love or is it? Does love make you cry every other night? Does it make you want to never wake up because the feeling just hurts to much? This can't be what every teenage girl wants. It's ridiculous. I want to hit something and stab something, i want to hurt something. *sigh* i want to be able to write pretty poems on how sad i am... but i'm not capable of it. It's already starting. The excuse of using Governor School to runaway from my problems. During the good times i dread it but during the bad times i wish to be in my dorm lying in my little bed blocking everyone from my mind. I'm probably going to just start rambling now because I'm trying everything i can to NOT call him. I dont see why i would... nothing i say will matter or be taken seriously. i need to listen to some music so i wont be alone with my own mind. It's as if i'm talking out loud in an empty room. well i'm gone.

lodi dodi dee... lodi dodi da

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 00:48:12 GMT

aww... Robert drove up with me to get krysten, then drove half way back.../ stoped on the side of the freeway to look for shrooms in a cow pasture. he's so sweet i love him. I'm glad Krys-cross is here! today we went to dairy queen, swimming, visited emma... more swimming and now we're about to see anchorman. YAY!

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 17:16:39 GMT

*The \\*
Last Cigarette:	a month ago?... maybe
Last Alcoholic Drink:	last tuesday
Last Car Ride:	yesterday
Last Kiss:	last tuesday :(
Last Good Cry:	2 days ago
Last Library Book:	something about Viginia Woolf
Last book bought:	Metamorphasis
Last Book Read:	can't remember name... but it was about a heroin addict
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	Dodgeball
Last Movie Rented:	Uptown girls, Old School, Session 9
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	damn?
Last Beverage Drank:	soy milk
Last Food Consumed:	ramen
Last Crush:	none of your business
Last Phone Call:	robert
Last TV Show Watched:	that 70's show
Last Time Showered:	last night
Last Shoes Worn:	flip flops... old navy XD
Last CD Played:	dont know...
Last Item Bought:	some yummy pants
Last Download:	accidently in love- counting crows
Last Annoyance:	not getting a phone call
Last Disappointment:	...not getting a phone call
Last Soda Drank:	pepsi
Last Thing Written:	letter to my sis
Last Key Used:	keys to the truck
Last Words Spoken:	cant remember...
Last Sleep:	3 o'clock this morning
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	cookies and cream
Last Chair Sat In:	computer chair
Last Webpage Visited:	livejournal
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I'm to cool for school.

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 17:00:04 GMT

i have 1/2 pink hair now...

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 20:04:08 GMT

and it's permanent! I did it last night with the help of jessica and allyson. Oh yeah, i'm in Jax, FL right now visiting jess. It's been lots of fun so far. We went to the mall, bought clothes, went to the beach, church... and today we're suppose to go to the mall and beach all over again! Well right now she's at a job interview for UPS. We also have been watching a lot of scary movies... Session 9 (good/scary), Carie (good/scary-wierd), and Wicker Man (Weird/Waste of a movie). Robert's forgotten about me 3 days in a row... where he said he'd call me but he didn't. It just sucks when you think of someone 24/7 and he can't even call you back. Gah.. I'm tired of being treated like shit and always doing stuff for him and calling him. whateva... im just going to forget about him now.

she's still a bitch!

Sat, 10 Jul 2004 06:11:46 GMT

gah.. so i flipped out again today because she still keeps calling him. I left a message on her phone last night and it was like "hey this is melissa... you know robert's GIRLFRIEND; you need to stop calling... because no one cares." So this morning she calls twice still probably to tell robert not to let me call her number. so i called her back on my cell and we got into it. Basically i called her a slut and she said atleast i dont go back to someone who cheats on me. and i said "shut the fuck up. you jumped at the slightest moment to get back with him SLUT. SO dont fucking call." then i flipped out on robert for still talking to her. he just doesnt understand how much i hate this girl. he doesnt understand how badly i've been hurt BECAUSE of her. or maybe he does but doesnt care. any who MICHELL STERLING is a SLUT... technically so is robert but im going to hate on her. we were discussing how desperate she was and i told robert that if he asked me to marry him right now i'd say no but i told him i bet if he dated her for 1 month starting now and ask she'd say yes. but he said he'd only have to date her one day and she'd say yes. maybe he's being cocky... but i seriously think she's stupid enough to do it. any way, I'm going to change the subject now b/c she doesnt deserve a whole entry. I talked to sarah R. yesterday and i was suppose to call her back !!!! :( bad me. I will call her tomorrow and see if she can meet me somewhere b/c i dont think i can handle going downtown again. Oh so i almost died yesterday like 10 times lol! me and meisha went downtown for some undercover stuff and downtown is just crazy. (plus i cant drive all that well). I swear this girl was about to run out into the road and i was watching her to make sure she didnt. but at the last moment she stepped out into the road and i had to swerve to not hit her... than i look forward and the car in front of me is at a complete stop. I was sooo close to it i didnt have time to stop, so i had to go in the next lane real quick-like. good thing no one was in the other lane. then when we finally found the place we wanted to get at (took us an hour to find it b/c we took EVERY wrong turn you could possibly take) but when we got there we were too late. :( I miss my govies... GOVIES COME BACK TO ME!!! I've been having an assload of dreams lately about EVERYTHING that i've been thinking the previous day. like last night i drempt that #1. robert's grandma never called and he was getting worried. #2. I was yelling at robert and accusing him of getting a ride from her to KFC #3. robert cheated on me. #4. then that me and him were fighting and we broke up. #5. i called cammy to say hey... and something bad happend... cant really remember... like she broke up with quinn or her dad died... something like that. #5. chucky was after me and this zombie controlled it and it turned out to be robert but at the end we fell in love. Yep... all this in one night. but that chucky one was really scary. when i woke up i didnt know if i was awake yet so i was afraid someone was going to pop up somewhere..... WELL this is super long... so im leaving ADIOS

It's so hot in this bitch!

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 03:44:03 GMT

it's so hott. i finally got my computer working and the internet to work! so hells yeah. i'm still bored though. today was kinda crazy... i have an interview tomorrow at 3 at the COOKIE PLACE. oh geeze, this should be interesting. well about today, i took robert and D application shopping and grocery shopping. i also gave my boy an $80 loan... because i'm just a caring and loving girlfriend like that. Oh by the way, i've decided that when we break up for real i'm going to rob his ass. tee hee i'm so bad. well i'm burning the hell up and i'm going to go spickletoodiddler some more.

Blah... the mountains suck big fat bears.

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 01:10:57 GMT

i didnt see a damn bear and i was bored out of my freakin mind. all we did was hike and go on a picnic, out of the 3 nights we were there. my cousin and i got drunk one night and ended up watching comedy central all night... that was probably the highlight of my time there. and... robert's blowing me off every 10 minutes, so i think i'm just going to be a bitch and not come over for 2 days. i have to work in lexington anyways. gah... im so fustrated right now; i want to be a bitch and i want to beat someone up... and yell at robert... b/c that's what i do. anways... i've been watching the surreal life for 3 HOURS!!! ... it's addicting watching trischell hit on vanilla ice and what not. i'm watching it RIGHT NOW! erg, leaving now.

"you got to fight... for your right... to PARTY"

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 04:37:43 GMT

Let's see... what did i do today. i went shopping with my sister and madre, dropped melody off some place, watched "along came polly" with Mary and Hassan, watched "Salem's Lot," and now on the computer. Fun-filled i must say. I bought a new swimsuit, shoes, undies, and a skirt... oh my aren't i just a spoiled girl. >.< MUAHAHHAAHAHAHA... i think i'm going to call atlanta bread company tomorrow morning...and ask about that job that i don't have and when they tell me that i'm not hired... i will tell them "it's okay i've resorted to communism anyways." and hang up. ;)

Gah the Hilton sisters are so rich...

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 01:21:40 GMT

damn there endless supply of money. OH baby OH baby... being at home... is so uncomfortably relaxing. All I do is drive to Robert's during the day, then come home and watch TV at night. I've been looking effin hard for a job too and i might have one at Atlanta Bread Company. I'm not sure though i wasnt very suave at the interview. i was kind of out of it. Hopefully... i can have a job for a month and a half... and then quit. :) woo hoo. You know all i got for my birthday was 2 navel rings, cake, ear rings, went to the movies, and got a smoothy. Thanks to my parents, Robert, meisha and hassan. I'm suppose to get 200 from my parents but it's like an IOU and a fake check. I feel so lazy at home. I need a job and I need to start painting. Feeling to slack. Melody and her friends went to a Murder by Death show and i'm home watching tv! what fun..........................SO FUCKING BORED!

erin's last night

Fri, 28 May 2004 03:37:38 GMT

today is erin's last night at this wonderful school. >.< she's leaving tomorrow morning at 11. she'll miss the rade, cook out, and the dance. :( this is getting sad. the school year is over and it's time to go back to our homes and start living our old lives again. things with him are not really any better. he keeps changing his mind and feels differently about me and her at different times. dont worry; one day i'll have the strength to stop caring and stop waiting. i'll make the decisions. i wrot an email to my drawing/sculpture teacher about my juries and saying how he said a lot of unnecesary things to me that were not constructive critisism. so he emailed me back and i had to go and talk to him. we're cool now though and he sort of apologized. damn, i have to pack up tomorrow. my suitmate opened a perfume bottle and poured piss in it... and she's going to give it to this girl she doesn't like. >.- that's crazy.... but i helped her open the bottle. huh... well i'm tired, it's time to sleep. I've been sleeping A LOT lately. i take like 3 naps a day and then go to sleep semi-early. life is tirering me out.

today sucked beyond belief

Wed, 26 May 2004 04:39:42 GMT

my juries sucked. i got bashed and thompson was just being straight up hateful. he said he hated my sculpture piece and he broke it on purpose... and other stuff like that. i went into the bathroom and cried some afterwards. robert and i are once again broken up... i pray to God for good. but the thing is... he kinda broke up with me i guess. which is making me cry right now b/c it should have been me that did it. He says that he's thinking about his future and what's right for him... so he's going to have her move in with him and help pay for shit. he said that he would want me to move in with him but that cant happen. he's choosing the girl with the "good job" (direct quote) over me. that makes me sad but then again they deserve each other. i really do hurt inside and everything today has just been so stressful. i was looking forward to coming home... my birthday is in less than 16 days... and i cant have anything i want. i just want to be happy... is that too much to ask? i guess staying away from him will be the first step to my happiness... it still hurts so much though.

Thu, 20 May 2004 01:42:28 GMT

i was just looking at the photo in the background of my LJ and i remembered why i liked it so much. i want to be like those couple... the world is going on around them but they can stop and detach themselves from it. those people love each other.

sometimes i wish i can stop

Thu, 20 May 2004 01:36:13 GMT

Robert knows how to hurt me and how to make me cry. Even when he doesnt do anything. Example, he said he'd get minutes tomorrow but no he doesnt and he doesnt call me. The whole night i cried and had to make myself stop so i could sleep. Things keep running through my mind of all the things that could be going on. He called today and he cant remember what happened last night but she spent the night...but according to him other people told him they didnt do anything. I'm sitting here shaking because i know that something has to be going on. I dont understand... if things didnt happen...then why is she there even when he's not working. and why would he risk being fucked up and even accidently fucking up. he asked me if i was talking to someone else. i guess the sad thing is... that he might still be cheating on me... and i have no attentions on hurting him. Yeah i thought those guys were hot but that's it. cathy got their number, i didnt because that would be unfaithful. i dont know why i even try sometimes. i dont think he'll ever change. now that she's around it's like he's forgotten about me and i know i've been really bitchy to him through everything but he knows it hurts me and bothers me that he's around her so much. Even when it's not neccesary and i feel he's just using not having a car his excuse to have her over. i know ppl might read this and reply that i deserve better and that i need to dump him... it's just hard when you love someone. too young for love you think? well love is forgiving, i forgave but he doesnt love me the way i love him or else none of this would be happening. her birthday is on monday and im sure something is going to happen this weekend or next week. I know if he read this he would be angry... even if it would be true. i just wonder how many times it takes for someone to crush you down to nothing before you stop loving him. i dont think i could ever stop loving him. but i dont know how long i can keep this up. this is self mutalation and i know it. now if he cheats on me it's like i cant even say anything or complain because i brought it onto to myself. i just wish that if he really loved me... like really really loved me. he would stop TRYING to stop cheating on me knowing that it probably wont work... but just break it off. you dont hurt the people you say you love so much and if you know your going to keep hurting them then you should just stop... just let it go. let my feelings for you fade not disapear but fade. dont let yourself hurt me again. it's just so selfish, i want to disapear. if only if he could get inside my emotions and feel the hurt he's putting me through and how much love i have for him. but i guess how much love i have from him doesnt even matter. love doesnt matter.